Friday, September 26, 2008

If it seems too good to be true; it probably is...or don't believe what you see on tv--Part 1

I started to write this a few weeks ago but then stopped......My first try at this online dating thing this year seemed to work out well. The date went a bit awry on the first try but after we met things went well. However, I should have realized that if it seems too good to be true, then it probably is...The dating did not start out well though....
I had a horrible sinus infection earlier this year. At this point, while sitting in the emergency room, freezing, with a high fever (for me anyway who has a 94 degree normal temp), with a group of homeless people who were in from the cold to eat, I realized I was going to die alone. After six hours in an emergency room, not being treated, freezing and barely able to speak, while the hospital takes anxiety attack patients before me because a 100 degree temp is not that much of a fever (unless you have a low body temp to begin with), I realized I was going to die alone if I didn't find someone soon. I had never had this thought before. I had a boyfriend, a fiance even for six years. Now here I was alone in the city, sick with no one. Sure, my parents live an hour away however until they got there I could be dead. And what happens when they are gone? It's only me. So I freaked out. When I got home, untreated, and delirous, I decided I needed to take this situation into my own hands. So, I joined a dating site. Within a few days I had an email. I didn't pay for the subscription right away, as I was still kind of concerned at this whole thing. But later that week, I did.
I had an email from a lovely guy, a guy who used legal terminology and seemed funny so it seemed like the perfect match for me. We joked and set up a date on a Thursday (a few weeks after the sick/dying thing). I showed up, late however because of my dog. Somehow we missed each other. This lead to a scathing email from me when I got home tipsy and mad that I got stood up. Turns out there are two doors to the restaurant and we each went to the other door. Oh well... So we set a date for a Friday night. The date went well. We totally hit it off. He was a criminal defense lawyer, me a law librarian. We had so much in common, we talked and drank for hours....So, after hours of sitting there outside at a bar freezing, we decided to go somewhere else. He drove, and we some how ended back at his place....there was a lot of kissing but nothing really else. He had the total bachelor place though. No food. Dishes still not unpacked out of a box since he moved in 9 months earlier and barely any furniture. It was late and so he drove me home because I had to get home to the dog. But he was cool about it and came in to meet the dog. But he ended up staying which was fun because we just talked all night. And it was nice to just have a warm body to snuggle with that was not a 20 pound dog who kicks me in the head at least ten times a night.
Things were going well, he called and talked forever on the phone and then came over to hang out that week a few times and on the weekend. Nothing seemed bad. It was comfortable and just nice. Then a week later, no calls. No return calls. No return texts. So I just sort of said, oh well, and wrote him off....

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

When did I get this old?

I guess I'm not that old and my exboyfriend would say I'm being a drama queen again but lately, I feel old. Older than I have felt in a long long time. At age 32 I thought maybe things would sort of be figured out by now. I would have the perfect career, the decent home, have run a marathon, and somehow be stable and okay with life. Well, I'm here to say I am not. I'm okay with the life I have. I'm lucky. I do have a good job (however not without many years of school and many student loans) and I have a decent apartment but something is just amiss. Maybe it's the city, maybe it's me. Most of my friends are married and although I was in a very long relationship, I never thought it would last to marriage and maybe I should have planned that situation out better back then. But whatever, this is the life I'm stuck with now.

In the two years since I left my ex and moved across the country, I've grown a bit. However things around me do not seem to grow. They just sort of stay the same and fester, turning me into a truly angry girl.

In the past year, I started this whole online dating thing. I will write a bit about this in that insanity seems to follow me whenever dating is involved. My ex was far from normal or even okay by most women's standards but these men are just I don't even know what.

All I know is that I feel fat and ugly lately and that's how dating has left me. I am not either I don't think but lately I feel and somehow look like a beast.